Marriage From the Heart

Marriage From the Heart: Eight Commitments of a Spiritually Fulfilling Life Together

A LEADER'S GUIDE

by Lois Kellerman

Introduction

Getting Started

SECTION I—Overview of a Spiritually Fulfilling Life Together

SECTION II—In-depth Sampler of Book Themes

Habitats and habits of the heart.

Part 1:
Centering—the home as sanctuary

Part 2: Choosing—wise decision making

Principles of loving partnership

Part 3: Honoring—deep, mutual respect

Part 4: Caring—nurturing each other

Part 5: Abiding—resiliency through life’s ups and downs

Spiritual practices for everyday loving

Part 6: Repairing—mending what’s broken

Part 7: Listening—open communication

SECTION III—Savoring Life’s Fullness Together

Part 8: Celebrating—enjoying your marriage

APPENDIX

Handout 1: Eight Commitment Statements (photocopy from front of book)

Handout 2: Four Qualities of Spiritual Gatherings (photocopy page 248-250)

Handout 3: Participant Feedback Form (see notes in Getting Started section—“Attend to Details"

Based on: Marriage From the Heart; Eight Commitments of a Spiritually Fulfilling Life Together by Lois Kellerman and Nelly Bly. Viking-Penguin, 2002, hardcover -- http://www.loiskellerman.com

© 2002 Lois Kellerman. All rights reserved. Permission is hereby granted to reproduce a single copy of the guide for use in leading a discussion group on the book Marriage From the Heart by Lois Kellerman and Nelly Bly. Guide is reproduced here by explicit permission of the author.

INTRODUCTION

In Marriage From the Heart; Eight Commitments of a Spiritually Fulfilling Life Together, pastoral counselor and Ethical Culture Leader Lois Kellerman and coauthor Nelly Bly take couples on a journey to discover the spirit in their partnership. By focusing on eight core commitments that form the heart of spiritual intimacy, the book opens up a way for partners of different ages, races, sexual orientations, cultural, and economic backgrounds to forge powerful and satisfying unions.

Marriage is described as an ongoing process of seeking the soul in your mate. In a spiritually fulfilling marriage, a couple’s love relationship is at once deeply grounded and open-ended—a partnership in which growth and transformation, resiliency and healing, trust and joyful play are all not only possible but also features of daily life. In such a relationship love and concern are the primary motivators, as opposed to convenience, social pressures, or emotional insecurity. As one bride put it, “When I met my fiancé, it felt like coming home—only to a better home than I’d ever known before.”

People today have rediscovered a need for safety and belonging. Marriage from the Heart offers couples seeking safe harbor in changing times a place to start, a place to return to, and a place to grow into the fullness of lifelong love.

Pastoral counselor Lois Kellerman, who holds a master’s degree in psychology, has had ample experience in cultivating healthy relationships. As a seasoned Leader within Ethical Culture, Kellerman has been involved in building community for over twenty years. This innovative organization, founded more than a century ago to improve human relationships, has twenty-three chapters throughout the United States. As such she has explored the need to belong (in a way that does not sacrifice one’s distinctness) at all levels of intentional community.

Kellerman has counseled hundreds of couples and served as an officer of the Harvard-based Association for Moral Education. Many of the weddings she has performed have been covered in The New York Times “Vows” column. Her mission has been to help people caught in the rapid changes of contemporary life to find (or regain) a sense of “home” in their primary—and by extension, all—significant relationships. Marriage from the Heart is her compelling and sensitive blueprint for building a spiritually fulfilling life together.

Based on a fourteen-year study of core life values, the eight commitments explored in both the book and the workshop offer spiritual guidance that transcends religion and speaks to every season in the life of a partnership.

Workshop Goals for Participants

to have a taste of a being part of an authentic community of people committed to enduring partnership
to investigate eight core commitments that will help couples affirm and strengthen their union
to explore environments, habits, principles, and practices that enhance deep and enduring intimacy
to have hands-on experience of various concepts expressed in the book
to exchange stories and understandings of actual partnership
to look at how a community centered on authentic hope can support efforts to abide in love.

GETTING STARTED

Call Together a Team for a Planning Meeting

Several hands make lighter work. Call together three colleagues and ask them to read the book in advance and attend three meetings. Assign each one of them a section of the book for special focus: Chapters 1-2; Chapters 3,4,5; Chapters 6-7. If you anticipate a large crowd, recruit others as discussion leaders only (for Section III activity). Then meet with the whole group in a pleasant environment to talk about the book among yourselves. Call a follow-up meeting of the core team and begin planning how to implement the workshop. Together, look over the material offered here and decide who will facilitate what when. Design a way to check in on participants' progress during the workshop. Schedule a follow-up meeting if necessary, and get together early on the day of the workshop.

Promote the Program In Advance

Identify the resources available to you for publicizing and promoting the program. Flyers can be distributed by hand to the local community, slipped into weekly programs, or attached to routine mailings. Flyer design should include a reduced photocopy of the book image, selected material from the Introduction, and specifics about time, place, and length of the program. Notices on store, school, and church bulletin boards, in local civic and religious newsletters, in forums for spiritual exploration, local bookstores, and Internet sites can be posted repeatedly in increasing details over the months and weeks prior to the workshop. Announcements during public meetings and faith community services can be made. Consider targeting very particular groups such as couples married by your community’s wedding officiants, interfaith partnerships of all kinds, alternative families, and people who identify themselves as “spiritual” in the sense defined at the front of the book: “Spirituality is consciousness of infinite interrelatedness.” (Of course, ultimately, this book speaks to people within as well as removed from their family traditions). Try to link the program to other events such as inspirational talks on life partnership. Be sure that clear directions for travel are available as well as opportunities to easily sign up in advance.

Make Adjustments in the Format to Fit a Targeted Group’s Particular Needs

This program is designed as an afternoon workshop. But you could also adapt it for a series of evenings by treating sections I and III as one evening each, and breaking up section II into several evenings (anywhere from four to eight sessions). The primary format offered here is a three-hour immersion experience to open up participants to the central themes of the book as they relate to their partnerships. With larger groups some activities may need to be handled as “fishbowls” (a small group at the center participating in an exercise while the rest of the participants observe and/or ask questions).

Provide an Appropriate Space

The place where you meet should be welcoming and comfortable and have adequate parking space nearby. Where a larger group is anticipated, card tables with attractive cloths, small glasses filled with flowers, shelf-paper runners—with magic markers for scribbling notes—all serve to create a relaxed atmosphere conducive to conversation. Sturdy chairs (with cushions if possible) arranged in a semi-circle several rows deep at one end of the room, with small circles for focus groups at the other end is an alternative arrangement. When you survey spaces, make sure they are large enough to support the needs of the size group anticipated and activities planned. Newsprint and an easel are needed for general discussions. If wall space is available for displaying what has been recorded that is a plus. Arrange to have tables for greeting, display of books and handouts, stacking of name tags (with markers), pitchers of water (with cups), and perhaps light refreshments (with plates, utensils, and napkins as needed).

Plan and Implement Set-Up, Including Assembling All Materials Needed

If you wish, make reminder calls or send postcards to those who have signed up the week before the event. Photocopy enough handouts so each participant can have one. Bring enough Singing the Living Tradition hymnals for the whole group. Carry a checklist with you. Come early to set things up, and put the chairs into an overall semi-circle with space breaks. This will help facilitate quick movement of people during Section II exercises. Bring items to spark the group’s imagination for the Celebration section: tea candles, printed poems relevant to the four categories, chimes, colorful scarves and cloths. Post greeters at the door and sign-in table early. Remember, space greets people first; next, welcoming faces and hands. Often the decision of whether or not to trust a group is made in the first thirty seconds of an encounter. If you are meeting in a large building, be sure there are clear signs directing people to the right room. If you are meeting at a retreat center in the country, place a few helium balloons to mark the directions to the meeting space.

Review Guidelines for Setting a Supportive and Safe Environment for the Event

For the single afternoon workshop version, or the first evening of the extended discussion version, have straggle-in activities for those who come early. Convene the meeting. Invite those gathered to support a mood and tone that feels warm and safe, where people speak from the heart at a level that feels comfortable, and where one can disagree without being disagreeable. Guidelines that enhance this include speaking from personal experience, maintaining confidentiality, listening as each person speaks, giving participants the right to pass on any exercise, and reducing distractions by not cross-talking and by turning off cell phones and pagers.

Near the beginning give people a chance to briefly introduce themselves. In small to medium sized gatherings include occasional “go-arounds” (where each person gets a turn to speak or pass). This opens up the space to quiet as well as gregarious participants. Appointing a timekeeper to remind you of passing time is also useful. Have the group check-in regarding their expectations. If it is a large group, “completing a sentence” exercise helps to consolidate responses (“One thing I really hope to get out of this course is….”). The art of leadership develops slowly. It includes knowing when to lead from the front and when to lead from behind. Leadership is about creating an authentic community and then empowering them to bring out the deep potential for goodness latent in each member—and—the group as a whole.

Attend to Details Regarding Opening, Closing, and Welcoming

Sometimes it enhances the meeting to begin with a simple ritual such as lighting a candle or chalice and saying something brief (“We light this candle as a sign of our joining together with all those who have sought deep and lasting connection throughout the ages.”) At each meeting welcome everyone and announce the general purpose of the gathering. Then make brief announcements if any (restroom locations, telephone availability, refreshments, related activities). At the first meeting pass around a contact list so that you have a concise record of information about participants (name, address, phones, emails, wishes about being contacted for other events). At the last meeting hand out Reflections on this Workshop sheets (1. What was especially moving to you about this event? 2. What would you have liked to explore further if there had been more time? 3. What was of most practical help? 4. What else do you want to say?)

Prepare Participants for the First Session

For the single afternoon workshop, participants are not required to read the book in advance, but are asked to buy the book for follow-up reading. For the extended community-building discussion version, chapter assignments will be made based on the pace of progression.

If advance reading of the book is required, announce this ahead of time. When talking about a particular chapter, there are four general questions that will facilitate discussion. Couples can talk about this prior to coming, or have time to reflect on the questions during the meeting:

What especially popped out at me in this chapter?
Did I identify with particular people or situations?
What is it that I am already doing that this chapter affirmed?
What is the toughest thing to do related to this chapter’s theme?
How has the message of this chapter changed me?

SESSION PLAN

Section I—Overview of a Spiritually Fulfilling Life Together (50 minutes)

Activity A—Eight Opinions

Explain that to get the group familiar with the core commitments of the book you will be conducting brief exercises and discussions around eight statements. Participants will be asked to spontaneously agree or disagree and briefly say why. Tell them that there are no right or wrong answers. That it is a chance for everyone to express their views as a way of getting to know one another:

Ask everyone in the room to turn to one or two others, so that all those present will have an opportunity to talk with a neighbor. Tell them that after you read the statement they will have four minutes in which to respond “I agree/I disagree” and briefly converse about why. At the end of the allowed time ask for two “agree” summaries and two “disagree” summaries.

READ: The most important thing in life is getting ahead, even when it means that your marriage sometimes has to take a back seat.

Tell the group that you are going to read a statement and then poll the group: READ: Always deciding things together as a couple can be tiresome and boring. Ask for a show of hands for “agree” and then “disagree”. Call on one to three people to give examples that support their view.
Ask two people to volunteer to respond to a question you will ask.

READ: A marriage has to be a place to let your hair down. Sometimes thinking about the quality of the relationship all the time can inhibit you.

If the two respondents have similar views, ask if there is someone present who sees the question in a different way.

Telling the group you are going to read the next question, allow for a moment of quiet reflection, repeat the question, and then conduct a little more lengthy general discussion (5 to 10 minutes). Be sure to guide the discussion toward standards regarding an expected level of truthfulness to our partner. (Are they different than those we have in regard to other relationships?—at the workplace, in a shopping center, in a high crime neighborhood? in a country that we have never visited before?—And if our standards or practices do differ, does this create a sense of ethical unevenness?)

READ: To tell the truth, telling the truth is next to impossible at times.

Ask everyone in the room to turn to their neighbor(s) again and talk—at the level they feel comfortable—about this statement, pointing out rewards and challenges related to the response.

READ: The idea of always being faithful to one’s partner is pretty old-fashioned.

Ask six people to volunteer for a “fishbowl” discussion of a question you will pose in front of the group (if it is under 10 people, divide them into circles of three or four).

READ: What is the most difficult thing about seeking or giving forgiveness to those you love?

Ask the group to silently reflect for three minutes on why it is such a commonly held opinion in the larger world.

READ: Some people have nothing to say worth listening to.

Tell them to try to come up with a word or phrase that expresses their thoughts during the reflection. After three minutes do a sweep of the group, row by row (with the “right to pass” if individuals wish) to gather in the essence of the responses to the question.

Ask people to raise their hands if they have experienced the majority of family celebrations they have attended over the years to be captured by the phrase you are going to read out loud.

READ: Just an expensive excuse to overeat or get drunk.

Then, if there were any people who did not raise their hands, ask what made the celebrations they have attended different.

Tell people there will be a very brief break after which you will connect the previous discussion to the eight commitment statements in the book.

Break:(10 minutes)

Activity B—Eight Commitments (20 minutes)

Distribute handouts. Ask several volunteers to take turns reading the commitments. Then you make connections between the opinion statement and the commitment statement—one at a time. Briefly expand on the commitment statements, referring to stories and others passages in the book from time to time (based on your reading). When you are finished, ask the volunteers to read the statements again, pausing for 30 seconds of silent reflection between each statement.

Section II—In-depth Sampler of Book Themes(45 minutes)

Write on newsprint the four sections listed below, explaining that this is one way of dividing up the chapters. Break up the participants into small groups. Ideally, there should be no more than 6-8 people in a circle. And couples should sit together for this exercise. Have one of the previously recruited discussion leaders (including core team members) sit in each of the groups formed. If the group is larger than anticipated recruit volunteer conveners from the floor and be available to come to their aid should they call.

The team leaders can select a few passages to read out loud—or have people flip through the assigned chapter at random and read portions of sections of interest. Use questions listed in the “Prepare Participants for the First Session” section of this guide to get things going. Conduct a discussion and track the themes. Cover the chapter with the asterisk (*) first and other(s) if time permits. Toward the end of the time each discussion leader will be called on to give a brief report of major responses gleaned from the discussion. The Leader up front will list them on newsprint.

Habitats and habits of the heart.

Part 1: Centering—the home as sanctuary

Part 2: Choosing—wise decision making

Principles of loving partnership

Part 3: Honoring—deep, mutual respect

Part 4: Caring—nurturing each other

Part 5: Abiding—resiliency through life’s ups and downs

Spiritual practices for everyday loving

Part 6: Repairing—mending what’s broken

Part 7: Listening—open communication

The Leader can end this activity by reading a selected quote from under the section sub-headings and pausing for silent reflection.

Break (10 minutes)

Section III—Savoring Life’s Fullness Together

Part 8: Celebrating—enjoying your marriage

Activity A: Creating an Instant Celebration

Send couples into four corners of the room. Try to keep the groups evenly divided. Tell them to use the handout on Four Qualities of Spiritual Gatherings as a general guide, and to choose a holiday or holy day—traditional or homemade—and improvise a celebration. READ: The instant celebration you create can be reverent or whimsical as it evolves in the group, as long as it isn’t mocking. It can be full of smells and bells, or Quaker-style simple. It can be a memorial for a pet, or a party for new triplets, a fiftieth wedding anniversary, or a 100^th birthday party. It can be a seder for Buddhists or a holiday from someone’s actual family memories. Don’t enact the entire event, just a glimpse of it. Be playful. It should be perfectly imperfect. Have lots of fun. (Give 5, 10 and 15-minute time warnings and be strict about the cut-off time).

Activity B: Performing the Instant Celebrations (20 minutes)

Closing Activities: (10 minutes). Read the closing paragraph from the Epilogue (briefly explaining it is a family wedding, and that the book concludes with the image of a spiral which was a binding image from beginning to end). Call for a moment of silent reflection. Then thank everyone for coming. Tell them there will be a “receiving line” afterward (made up of the team), and invite them to join you in singing the closing song (Singing the Living Tradition # 299).

Closing Words: “May you walk in beauty, together, for as long as your days upon the earth.”

© 2002 Lois Kellerman. All rights reserved. Permission is hereby granted to reproduce a single copy of the guide for use in leading a discussion group on the book Marriage From the Heart by Lois Kellerman and Nelly Bly. Guide is reproduced here by explicit permission of the author.